Saturday, April 14, 2012
I have to say that I never knew that a love like the love I feel for my sweet Paisley was humanly possible.(Aside from Christ of course) Yes, I love my husband and all of my family and friends but WOW it is just so different. I know that all children are gifts from God but my Paisley is truly an angel.
Not all of you know this but for many years I thought I couldn't have my own children. I was actually fine with the idea because I have always wanted to adopt and it just so happens that God gave me an amazing guy who also wanted to adopt. So Greg and I never did much to prevent our family from growing.....and for 2 years it worked! ;)
One year ago this month (April 2011) Greg and I visited a Vineyard church in the Phoenix area. We loved it and returned again for a second time. On the second Sunday that we attended they did things a bit different . They had a time of ministry and listening prayer. We all prayed and the few who felt they had specific words for people stood at the front and spoke the words they felt God wanted them to share. As I sat there I just knew God was about to do something in me. I could feel it and I almost argued with Him that I was too tired and that I didn't know these people. "God , I don't feel like crying in front off all of these people as you do something in me". That's sounds so ridiculous but I know some of you know where I am coming from. As God changes you or works in you it can be draining!!! Always worth it of course!
One man stood and said that someone in the congregation was having stomach pains. "UGGHH really Lord?!?! Yes, that was me. I had been experiencing pain in my lower stomach for months and did not know what the problem was. So a certain lady came and prayed with me. I thought she would pray for healing for my stomach and be done with it but NO....that is not what happened. She began to pray for my ability to have children and for my future family. I was thinking to myself "Why is she praying for these things". I don't know why but it struck something in me. I left that day and told Greg how I was feeling about her prayer and how it just caught me off guard and I knew that God was up to something!
A few weeks later we were at church again and I was watching this little girl dance as we worshiped and I could not take my eyes off of her. It was happening.....I wanted a little girl!!! I have always said I wanted all boys. From my experience they are so much easier and there is way less drama involved. I have nieces that I love dearly and even so I wanted boys (maybe 1 girl...maybe. But she would have to be the youngest so that she grew up with big brothers to protect her and to toughen her up!!)
Well friends, on May 4th at exactly 4:47 am I discovered that I was carrying child. I will never forget this moment. Greg was outside loading the car with my luggage to drop me off at the airport. I was surprising my mom for her 60th birthday. I really was just taking a test to prove to myself that I wasn't pregnant because I can't get pregnant! I just figured I would toss it in the trash and be on my way lol. Wow, how life can change in a moment. I am learning a lot about that these days. Anyway, I waited those loooonnng 5 minutes and I was shocked at the result. I stared at that thing for like 2 minutes saying "Oh my gosh, Oh my gosh, Oh my gosh" LOL. I then carried it outside to give Greg the news. By the way, he had no clue I was even taking the test. We were both shocked that early morning. He hugged me as I cried and told me that we would be great parents! As we drove to the airport I was convinced that something was wrong with that test. I held it in my hands and stared at it the whole way to the airport. (HAHA now that I think about it, that test was still in the car when Greg picked me up from the airport!)
I text me sister in law as I freaked out. She immediately called me back. I could tell she was so excited but was trying to be sensitive to the state of shock that I was currently in. She had a pregnancy test waiting for my when she picked me up from the airport that day. I swear I couldn't take enough of those tests to convince me that I was indeed with child. Well Mom, Surprise!!! Happy Birthday!! Oh yeah, Surprise your going to be a grandma again!!! <3
It is important for you all to know the miracle that Paisley is. I got pregnant the week after that girl prayed over me. That very next week!!!!! God blows me away! The week I was staring at that little girl at church desiring my very own little girl, Paisley was being formed in my womb. There is more too!!!! As most of you know 4 weeks after she was born I was in the emergency room with back pain that ended up being a tumor on my spine. I had an emergency surgery on Valentines day to remove the tumor and 5 days later found out that I had Hodgkins lymphoma. The day I found out that the tumor was cancerous the Doctor also told me I would have to undergo chemotherapy and that I would no longer be able to have children. The first reaction to this was to become very sad but the big picture was brought to my mind and instead I became very thankful. See friends God orchestrated this all so perfectly. I believe that God knew that I had cancer and he knew I would go through chemo therapy and because He is a loving God and Father who desires to give his children good gifts, he gave me Paisley. I hadn't planned for Paisley but God had. He gave her to me in perfect timing. The doctor told me I could no longer have kids and I was just so thankful that God had already given me my miracle..... my angel...Paisley. She IS an angel you know. She is what gets me through every single day. I am so blessed!!! God gave me such a beautiful gift!! I urge you all to use your eyes to see the gifts around you and to allow yourself to see the big picture in your very own lives. God is painting me such a beautiful picture and I don't think I would see it as clearly if I weren't experiencing life as I am right in this moment. <3
Love and Blessings!!!
Thursday, April 5, 2012
So about a week ago I cried for the first time for a reason that had anything to do with the "C" word. That's right I never cried over the news!! Some of you may think that is crazy or maybe even insincere. I assure you however that is not the case. For any of you looking for a "logical" answer I apologize ahead of time for I have no "logical" answer to give you. You see the only answer to this is GOD HIMSELF. Gods word states the following:
6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And THE PEACE OF GOD, which TRANSCENDS ALL UNDERSTANDING, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
8 Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. 9 Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.
WOW!!!!! Can I just say that never in my life have I understood these words more than I do right now?!?! HA Talk about having a peace that makes absolutely no sense at all. Its pretty stinking amazing when you feel something so strongly that only God can provide you with. I could probably tear these verses apart and tell you all about how they are very alive and real for me right now. "Whatever you have learned or received from me....PUT IT INTO PRACTICE!!! Well I have learned and received and heard and seen A LOT and I want to put it into practice! It starts with this amazing peace that I hold. I wouldn't want a single one of you to walk the path I am walking however the peace is incredible!!!!
It is very important that you all know about my peace because that gives God glory and that is what must happen during this time in my life or it has no purpose to me! Anyway, back to the crying......it started when my hair was falling out. I thought I was prepared and ready. I mean its "just" hair right?! Well,the idea of it "just" being hair slipped from my grip when I showered and watched my hair wash slowly down the drain or when simply brushing it filled the sink. That's when it became very real to me. I realized later that the reason it bothered me so much was because up until this moment no one who saw me knew I had "C" . They saw me as a healthy young woman. But after the hair is gone everyone will know. That was hard for me until I talked to God a little about it and was refocused at the fact that God wanted me to shout my story from the rooftops and if I am walking around bald.....I don't even have to say anything! I am a walking testimony! God also reminded me that I needed to lose my hair! Of course He was right. In order for me to be able to be an encouragement to others who have gone through or will go through what I am going through I needed that aspect of the journey. It is a fact that for most woman the hardest part of this journey is losing their hair. So after crying for a few days and watching my hair fall out everywhere and on everything I decided enough is enough. I am taking control of the situation.I told Greg that I needed to shave my head before my next shower LOL. So at that point I had about a day and half to spare;) I even wrapped my hair up before church and said "I am not wearing my hair anymore!. I keep telling myself I need one more day with my hair, I am not ready and its just making it harder." So I got all strong and proud and wrapped up my hair and got ready for church.....its actually funny now because I ended up taking that wrap off my head before church. I just couldn't do it.
So Monday was the big day but I had a few things to do before then. For one I wanted a family photo with hair so we did that. (only to later find out there was a fingerprint on the lens for all the pictures!!! AARRRGGG) I will post them later and tell you that there is an angel in all of our pictures! <3
Monday flew by. We went shopping for scarves and went to dinner with the family and took more pictures of course. Afterwards we went home and I continued to put the shaving party off. I even fell asleep on the couch until 11:30 only to wake up dreading the inevitable. At that point Greg got the clippers ready and said it was time. We went to the bathroom and I got a hold of the scissors not even believing what I was about to do. I just started chopping at my hair!!! Then, my friends it happened......JOY came over me. My scary experience was no longer scary. It suddenly became this crazy fun event and I am happy to say I haven't cried a tear since. That's right, no sadness, no insecurities NOTHING. Now one of the hardest mountains of this journey is behind me and it feels good to have climbed it. It was a liberating night. So all of you please just thank God for His goodness in all of this because He is continually at work!!! Don't be sad for me but look at my head and thank God for all of those whom He will somehow touch through this journey we are on!!! I love you all so much!!!! Also, to you dear friends who have taken extreme measures to help support me. You have no idea how much that means to me. KAT.....you shaved your head before I had the gumption to do so. Thank you for pushing me and making me stronger!!!
P.S My hair feels like velcro ;)